CANADA– In what some experts are calling a radical new strategy to combat Canada’s perennial wildfire crisis, Prime Minister Mark Carney announced that he has intentionally started burning all Canadian forests and promised not to stop until there are no trees left in the entire Great White North country.
According to the prime minister, specialized teams equipped with aerial incendiary devices and military-grade flamethrowers have been going around Canada burning down entire forests within hours, with Mark Carney predicting a 0% wildfire rate by 2026.
“You can’t have a forest fire when there isn’t a forest,” declared PM Mark Carney, using a torch to burn down a group of trees in front of stunned reporters. “Look, um, the science is clear. Burning millions of trees at once might give us some extra smoky air and create a little bit more carbon temporarily, but, uh, just think of a lifetime of no more wildfires.”
Prime Minister Carney said that having no trees in Canada, killing millions of animals, and causing countless people to lose their homes and even their lives is a small price to pay to not have any more wildfires ever again.
“Just remember to keep your elbows up as you watch your livelihood go up in flames,” said Carney as he smiled watching a couple squirrels get burnt alive.
Public reaction has been mixed, with liberal voters praising Carney for his bold leadership and his aggressive stance at tackling the dangerous wildfire epidemic.
