PHOENIX, ARIZONA– Maricopa County election officials made a startling discovery Thursday after finding thousands of ballots lodged inside the lump on Pennsylvania Senate winner John Fetterman’s neck, with one hundred percent of the votes going to Democrat Katie Hobbs.
While campaigning in Arizona for the coveted Pennsylvania Senate seat because he still hadn’t realized yet that he had already won, John Fetterman admitted himself into the local hospital complaining of a massive pain in his neck, only to find out that there were thousands of votes for Katie Hobbs hiding inside of his neck hump.
“We couldn’t believe what we were seeing on the x-ray,” said Dr. Peter Wacker, the physician who found the votes inside Fetterman’s neck after first giving him a lobotomy. “At first, we were hoping it was something mild like stage 4 cancer, but we quickly became concerned after realizing that it was a massive ballot dump lodged within the extremely large protrusion jutting out of Mr. Fetterman’s neck.”
Once poll workers counted all the legitimate votes for Katie Hobbs, the Democrat candidate for governor gave an interview on MSNBC blasting her Republican opponent Kari Lake for daring to accuse all those thousands of votes of being illegitimate.
“I’ll have Kari know that it’s perfectly normal and legal to find votes inside of someone’s neck,” said Hobbs as poll workers carefully counted each ballot dozens of times. “Kari Lake is a dangerous election denier who is suing to have all these legitimate votes found inside of John Fetterman’s neck thrown out. It’s a threat to our democracy.”
In yet another stunning discovery, news outlets have reported that Arizona election officials have found another ballot dump for Hobbs hidden inside of Joe Biden’s diaper.