AUSTIN, TEXAS– While on vacation with his wife in the United States from Canada, Texas senator Ted Cruz had his last name legally changed to Cruise, telling reporters that his lifelong infatuation with A-list celebrity Tom Cruise was the impetus for the respelling of Cruz.
As he signed documents outside a courthouse in front of a large crowd of Japanese tourists, a now beardless Cruz told the confused foreigners that he has been an admirer of Tom Cruise’s work ever since he was a young boy living abroad.
“I still remember my first Tom Cruise flick,” Cruz said with gleeful eyes and grinning teeth as a few of the Japanese tourists took photos of him thinking that he was Marco Rubio. “It was the Oscar-winning movie Risky Business and I was wearing my tighty-whities trying to perform all those dance moves like Cruise did. I broke my mother’s chandelier trying to slide across the kitchen floor as Old Time Rock And Roll played in the background.”
After signing his new name to a couple Marco Rubio head-shots, Ted Cruise played the song Old Time Rock And Roll on his phone as he unbuttoned his pink dress shirt and then slid across the sidewalk and into oncoming traffic.
Update: After this article was written, it was reported that Ted Cruise was not injured, but the whole incident was recorded by one of the tourists and used for an alcoholic abstinence commercial in Japan.
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