SEATTLE, WASHINGTON– A new fitness program out of Seattle called Dumba Fitness has been quickly gaining a following due to its unorthodox style and its ability to alter the body so drastically that people are demanding more Dumba centers be opened up around the country.
The program, which many fans are calling the ideal workout, consists of highly skilled movements that resemble the peculiar actions of crazy people as well as drug addicts and violent criminals.
The program’s creator, 43 year old instructor Zorro “Chi-Chi” Fernando, got the idea for Dumba Fitness after spending a year in a psychiatric ward watching patients slamming their heads up against walls, punching themselves in the face, and smashing their hands through glass.
“This’s the greatest fitness regimen of all time,” Fernando promised as he showed a class of students how to properly bite off someone’s ear. “My program has revolutionized the world of fitness and now every man, woman, and child around the world has come under the spell of insanity.”
Although Dumba Fitness can be practiced by someone while they are sober, Fernando suggests that before attempting to undergo the rigorous training required by the program, a person should first either shoot up with heroin or some other type of illicit street drug or even consider getting an initial lobotomy so that they will be more suited to undertake the training.
“Yes, the psychological state before starting is vitally important,” he stressed as his students kicked each other in the face during class. “Without first getting the mind in a state of zen, the body will not respond to the training effectively. Each of my students here is hopped up on methamphetamine and was given shock therapy just enough to acclimate their bodies. I mean, just look at how wired and energetic they are already.”
Due to the extreme popularity of Dumba Fitness, President Biden has namedExerci Zorro “Chi-Chi” Fernando head of the President’s Council On Physical Fitness And Sports.
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