HEBRON, KENTUCKY — In a touching scene that restored faith in the power of multi-million-dollar dark money investments, family court mediators confirmed that billionaire casino magnate Miriam Adelson and Wall Street hedge fund manager John Paulson have been formally awarded joint legal custody of incoming Kentucky Congressman Ed Gallrein.
Under the terms of the primary adoption decree, Ed Gallrein will spend weekdays drafted into Epstein-affiliated Paulson’s hedge fund strategy meetings and alternating weekends acting as a human megaphone for Adelson’s foreign policy objectives.
“It’s a beautiful joint-parenting arrangement,” said Adelson, adjusting Gallrein’s “Israel First” lapel pin. “John gets to manage his domestic policy rhetoric to protect the billionaire class, and I get to make sure he never mentions the state of Kentucky on television ever again. We’ve already set up a very generous dark-money allowance for him so he never has to experience the stress of formulating an independent thought on the House floor.”
Legal teams for both billionaire megadonors expressed profound relief outside the courthouse, noting that while the adoption process was extraordinarily expensive, the opportunity to mold a completely unthinking, blank-slate legislative asset made every dark-money dollar worth it.
At press time, Adelson and Paulson were reportedly locked in a minor dispute over who would have to fund Gallrein’s inaugural kickback package, though both parents ultimately agreed to simply draft a localized, mandatory military conscription bill to let Kentucky taxpayers foot the bill instead.
