PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA– News media outlets are congratulating Joe Biden on his recent record-breaking rally attendance at a Sheetz gas station where one lone supporter showed up to greet the president on his countrywide “No Malarkey: You Know The Thing Tour” in an effort to try and swing potential voters away from Donald Trump.
Biden was met with the deafening sound of silence once he entered into the Sheetz gas station due to the large number of people who were not there to meet him, with confused employees wondering who the doddering old man was tripping over the front door mat.
“President Biden proved to the world today why he’s the most popular US president in history,” said MSNBC host Joe Scarborough as his beady little eyes welled up with feigned emotion. “I’ve never seen former President Trump get rally attendance numbers like Biden did at that gas station. I hope this finally puts to rest all the trolls who claim that Biden didn’t get 81 million votes.”
Scarborough went on to congratulate Biden on beating his old rally attendance number of zero by one person, promising that the one lone supporter who showed up at the gas station wasn’t paid to be there.
“Next thing the Trump trolls will claim is that Biden’s gas station appearance was staged to copy off of Trump,” said Scarborough as his host Mika nodded her head like a Bobblehead toy. “I’m making an easy prediction right now. President Biden will be reelected with 181 million votes. No, 381 million votes. Biden’s so popular that he’ll probably get more votes than actual American citizens.”
At publishing time, it was reported that the one guy who was there to greet Biden was actually just a customer trying to leave the building but Biden was blocking the door mumbling something about him not being black if he doesn’t vote for him.
