WASHINGTON– Brave FBI agents are being heralded as heroes for arresting a squirrel that happened to be running near the Capitol Building on January 6 and have charged the racist rodent with insurrection.
The FBI received a tip from an anonymous source that the squirrel had partaken in the January 6 Capitol riot in support of then President Donald Trump and had been eluding authorities by hiding in plain site in a tree right across from the steps of the Capitol.
“Today, another dangerous white supremacist was taken off the streets,” said FBI Special Agent Hung Overton to news reporters. “At 5 am on Saturday, our heroic agents raided the nest of the squirrel and, because the rodent was resisting arrest, were forced to mace, tase, and then shoot it in the head to get it under control before placing the wanted criminal in handcuffs.”
The agent said that the squirrel was still alive due to the FBI agents being horrible shots, missing the animal’s head entirely and killing a little, old lady that happened to be walking by.
“She already lived a long life,” said Agent Overton callously in reference to the death of the innocent bystander. “We also believe the squirrel was working with former President Trump to overturn the election. Inside the squirrel’s nest we found numerous domestic terrorist items, such as a MAGA hat, a Bible, a freezer full of meat, and an American flag. There wasn’t even one rainbow flag anywhere to be found. Disgusting.”
At publishing time, the squirrel had mysteriously died in custody and was then immediately registered to vote as a Democrat.
