TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA– After witnessing the dramatic rise in Donald Trump’s poll numbers once he had been indicted, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis gave a televised speech and begged the Department of Justice to indict him as well so that he can also see a rise in his struggling poll numbers.
During his speech DeSantis laid out all the things he had done wrong in his life, from the time he stole an extra meatball out of his mom’s pocket to when he showered with his Republican colleague in the basement of their office when no one else was around.
“I too am guilty of many things,” said DeSantis while placing handcuffs on his wrists to make the DOJ’s job easier. “It’s not fair that Trump’s numbers are going up after he’s done wrong. Come on, guys, I could really use a boost in my numbers too. Come on, I’ve been a real bad boy. Take me to jail now or I’ll pick Chris Christie as my running mate and call ourselves the Tubby Twosome.”
DeSantis pointed out that even Joe Biden’s numbers are holding strong even though the president has enough evidence of crimes to put him in prison for life.
“What’s a guy got to do around here to become president?” DeSantis asked as he began sweating profusely in an early primary anxiety attack. “Please, somebody love me. Anybody. If you vote for me I’ll put on my white boots and start dancing. Trump’s not the only one who can dance to some music. Hit it, boys.”
The governor finished out his speech by ripping off his shirt and dancing to Christina Aguilera’s “Genie In A Bottle.” No word on whether the DOJ has any plans to arrest DeSantis or whether the sight of him tweaking his hairy nipples on stage will increase his favorability with potential voters.
