PALM BEACH, FLORIDA– Former President George W. Bush says he was informed by intelligence officials that Donald Trump has been stockpiling weapons of mass destruction in the bathroom of his Mar-A-Lago home. Bush quickly passed the intel onto Joe Biden who ordered the US Army to invade Trump’s home in an effort to bring world peace in the same way Bush attacked Iraq back in 2003.
The decision to send in the military to raid Trump’s bathroom was an easy one, said Biden, and has accused Trump of being a ruthless dictator who has been stockpiling toilet paper in his personal restroom ever since the 2020 COVID pandemic.
“Our sources have informed us that Donald Trump is hiding weapons of mass destruction inside Mar-A-Lago,” said Bush while Biden stood behind him laughing. “It has been confirmed that Trump has been stockpiling toilet paper for the past three years and has been ruthlessly hoarding it so that no one else can purchase any for themselves once Biden totally destroys the economy.”
When pressed for details, Bush confirmed that he was certain that Trump was hiding WMDs, but was also certain that he wasn’t certain whether Trump was hiding WMDs. He later clarified that he wasn’t completely sure whether he heard the intel from an intelligence source or maybe he just ate one too many magic mushrooms and imagined the whole thing.
“I don’t really know if Trump even uses toilet paper or if he uses one of those water squirty bidet thingys,” said Bush in confusion, holding his nose after Biden crapped his diaper. “It doesn’t really matter because Trump’s guilty and must be taken out of power. Let’s see how Trump will become president when he can’t even wipe his ass.”
Bush ended the press conference by threatening the American people, saying, “If you’re not for us, then you’re against us. Any citizens caught using toilet paper are terrorist sympathizers and will join Trump in a paper-free prison cell.”
