SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA– Spurred by the recent The Washington Post article claiming racist white men have been oppressing sharks, California Governor Gavin Newsom has signed into law a bill that will pay $200,000 per fish to shark residents in an effort to make up for all the discrimination they’ve received over generations.
Newsom referenced The Washington Post article in a recent speech, which claimed that not only has Discovery Channel’s Shark Week featured too many white males as experts, but those so-called experts have been peddling racist stereotypes about the sea creatures that started hundreds of years ago when white men forced segregated sharks to stay within their own side of the oceans.
“With this bill, we’re correcting the hundreds of years of racism faced by sharks,” said Newsom with a straight face as he shook hands with a local shark on a beach. “White men have been keeping the shark down for too many years and it’s about time someone stood up for all those downtrodden mammals. I mean, fish. Or, whatever those things are.”
The article also claimed that sharks have faced years of physical abuse at the hands of white people, including giving sharks indigestion and broken teeth whenever a shark has eaten a white man in an effort to simply feed its hungry family.
Due to an inordinate amount of backlash from having too many white male experts on the hit series Shark Week, the Discovery Channel has promised to include more diversity and inclusion into the show by throwing untrained black women into dangerous, hungry shark-infested waters.
