WASHINGTON– The FBI arrested and charged a Thanksgiving turkey this week for his fowl actions during the January 6 U.S. Capitol Building riot, leaving many Americans in doubt as to whether they’ll still be able to eat the bird this holiday.
Thomas Turkey, 2, was arrested in Tallahassee, Florida while on vacation with his family and charged with civil disorder, physical violence, assaulting police officers with his dangerous beak, and leaving feces all over the Capitol Hill grounds, according to the unbiased Department of Justice.
“The violent turkey has a long criminal history,” said FBI agent Fox Mulder as he ate a fried turkey leg. “We also have reason to believe that the bird was secretly communicating with former President Donald Trump using secret code words disguised a turkey gobbles.”
Federal officials said the turkey’s social media accounts were filled with domestic terrorist propaganda, such as American flag symbols, Donald Trump pictures, and Joe Biden memes.
“We’re using the full force of the FBI to make sure this bird faces justice for his part in the Capitol Building attack,” said the agent with a straight face. “Due to the seriousness of the turkey’s crimes, Thanksgiving is cancelled this year and anyone caught celebrating the holiday or harboring one of these domestic terrorist birds will face 50 years in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.”
Good thing there aren’t any real crimes out there.