Howard Stern Promises He’ll Remove His Natural-Looking Wig If Everyone Just Gets Vaccinated

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK– Fed up with the millions of stubborn anti-vaxxers, former shock jock Howard Stern has offered all those hesitant people the deal of a lifetime by actually admitting that he’s bald and then removing his wig and just accepting how he really looks instead of wearing faux black hair on top of his almost seventy year old pallid skin.

The 67-year-old Stern told his audience on a recent program that he intends to run for president to get the COVID-19 vaccine refusers in line by loading them all up on trains where they will be sent to virus camps and then gassed to death to put all his numerous mental phobias at ease.

“This is my country, I own it, and once I’m president I’ll make sure every single American f**king moron is sent to the gas chambers,” said Stern angrily as his cohost Robin Quivers laughed maniacally like a trained seal. “And just to be on the safe side, I’ll probably also gas all the vaccinated people too. I wouldn’t want their sick vaccine germs contaminating my healthy vaccine germs.”

Once Stern cooled down and regained his composure, he readjusted his toupee and decided to make the unvaccinated citizens an offer that they certainly can’t refuse.

“I’ll tell you f**king unvaccinated morons something,” said Stern, “If you promise just to inject yourselves with the totally safe COVID serum everyday for the rest of your lives, then I promise I’ll remove my hair hat for five minutes. No photos or videos though, I wouldn’t want my wife to find out I’m actually bald. I’m sure this is a deal all you f**king pervert anti-vaxxer scum can’t turn down.”

Stern added, “I can’t risk dying from some f**king contagious unvaccinated moron who might infect me with a virus with a 99.99 percent recovery rate. Yuck.”

As he ended the vaccine rant, Stern segued into his next segment by saying, “Okay, now that I got that rant off my sexy chest, it’s time to bring in our next guests. Let me introduce two porn star ladies with full-blown AIDS that I’ve been dying to have sex with.”