SAG HARBOR, NEW YORK– Former CNN host Don Lemon called 911 late last night after coming home and finding an unknown black man staring at him from his bathroom mirror.
Lemon arrived at his home around 10:30 pm yesterday after hosting a four hour long Twitter X spaces begging Elon Musk to give him another chance, telling his male partner that he wanted to wash his face before going to bed.
According to the official CNN report, that’s when Lemon noticed an intruder inside his bathroom mirror staring at him and mimicking his every move.
“It was one of the most frightening moments of my life,” Lemon told fellow former CNN host Brian Stelter as the two unemployed losers reminisced about the time they used to sort of work. “I knew right away something was wrong because there’s never been a real black man inside my home.”
A visibly shaken and freshly squeezed Lemon went on to say that he thought perhaps his good friend and male companion, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, was playing a prank on him.
“My boy Justin was here in New York visiting over the weekend on, um, some business,” Lemon added, referring to Trudeau’s well-known homoerotic blackface pranks. “But after I noticed the intruder was speaking too eloquently I knew right away it had to be a real black man and not a Canadian politician.”
Authentic CNN police officers later identified the “man in the mirror” as a Russian agent named Tucker Carlson, who they say broke into Lemon’s home in an effort to sabotage the 2024 Presidential election in favor of Donald Trump.
CNN authorities are looking into whether the Russian agent was also the one who planted the cocaine inside of the White House in an effort to make Hunter Biden look like a crackhead loser.
Calls to CNN were forwarded to Nancy Pelosi’s liquor cabinet.
