In today’s relentless “real” news cycle, it’s nice to take a break from all the chaos and simply enjoy some dumb, fake news, satirical entertainment.
Here are the top 10 Daily Soak satire news stories of 2019:
10. Trump Challenges Obama To Thumb Wrestling Match During Recent Twitter Feud
“Obama will never accept the challenge,” Trump tweeted later. “He knows my massive manly thumbs will make mincemeat out of his little girly thumbs.”
9. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Claims She’s Part Asian Because She Once Ate At A Chinese Restaurant
“Like, I couldn’t, like, believe it when I found out,” Ocasio-Cotez, 29, said during an Asian heritage event in Queens, referring to the discovery of of her Asian heritage. “OMG, as soon as I walked into that Chinese restaurant I knew, like, that I was part China-woman.”
8. Beto O’Rourke’s Plan To Send All Americans Guns To The Moon Met With Confusion
“We’ll probably have to send about one or two hundred rocket ships into space, bros,” O’Rourke explained. “Each launch is about $500 million, so $500 million times two hundred is like, a gazillion trillion zillion dollars. It’s a small price to pay to keep our country safe from white supremacists.”
7. Rashida Tlaib Blames Late Chinese Food Delivery On White Supremacy
“This is heartbreaking,” Tlaib wrote in the tweet that she deleted an hour later. “Chinese delivery late. White supremacy kills.”
6. Nancy Pelosi’s Trump-Inspired Book ‘The Fart Of The Deal’ Trending #1 On Amazon
“I don’t do it for the farts,” she writes in the book’s opening line. “I’ve got enough, much more than I’ll ever need. I do it to do it. Farting is my art form.”
5. AOC Backs Out Of Debate With Conan Military Dog After Getting KO’d On Twitter By Hero Canine
“AOC, I’d be happy to debate you on the official numbers of carbon footprints,” Conan tweeted in response to AOC. “You can start with your own footprints by counting them as you walk backwards.”
4. Eric Swalwell’s Fart Identified As Whistleblower After Testifying Before Congress
“May I have all members of Congress evacuate themselves from this nonsense,” Schiff stated as fellow House members tried evacuating a heated Farticus from the room to calm him down. “I take this impeachment inquiry very seriously, and I’m appalled that Republicans are emitting such foul discharge in such an honest, aromatic place.”
3. Hillary Clinton Hires Paranormal Investigators To Rid Her House Of Russian Assets
“I’m not making any predictions,” Hillary Clinton said to CNN host Don Lemon, “but after Bill finished playing that seemingly innocent game I noticed that he was acting very different, almost as though he was hiding something from me or lying. I know my Bill must’ve been groomed by the Russians because he’d never lie or hide anything from me.”
2. Barack Obama Says His Presidency Proves Women Make Better Leaders Than Men
“What were you thinking?” Obama asked the jovial crowd as members of the audience held up signs saying they should have voted for any woman over him. “Now, you girls out there may not be perfect, but what I can say indisputably is that any one of you women in the audience would have made a better president than me.”
1. James Comey Says He’s Completely Innocent After Thoroughly Investigating Himself
“Well, I got one thing to say to Mr. Trump and all his little Trumpette bullies,” Comey said in the official report. “I’m better than you, na-na na-na boo-boo, stick your head in poo-poo. I’m innocent! Just proved you wrong! Kiss the ring.”
