WASHINGTON– “Sleepy” Joe Biden says that he promises to give voters a more combative showing in Tuesday’s Democrat debate by literally punching other candidates if they try insulting him.
The former U.S. vice president says that the gloves are off literally for the next political fight in the 2020 presidential race after coming to the realization that sleeping his way through the first Democrat debate didn’t work.
According to the polls after the first debate, the Democratic presidential hopeful saw plunging numbers because people weren’t sure if a tired, yawning, sleeping candidate was the best choice for President of the United States.
Biden told both CNN and Fox News that he used the “sleepy tactic” as a way to blend in and avoid confronting all the other candidates on any of the issues. In fact, when called upon to answer questions by the moderator during last month’s debate, Biden could be heard snoring into his microphone.
“I’m not going to be as polite this time,” Biden promised angrily as he injected steroids into his buttocks in an effort to increase his intensity. “They’ll be no more Mr. Nice Guy next time. Trust me, my poll numbers will go through the roof after people see me knocking out all my annoying, pretentious opponents.”
Mr. Biden confirms that he has been practicing his punching skills by walking into the offices of unsuspecting fellow Democrats and hitting them in the face.
“I really got Bernie good the other day,” Biden laughed, punching a hole in the concrete wall of his office. “That old man never knew what hit him. After Bernie woke up in the emergency room three hours later, we went out for a couple beers and he confided in me that I hit him almost as hard as his wife does.”
So far, the intense Mr. Biden has punched Bernie Sanders, Adam Schiff, Cory Booker, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and a few other Democrats that no one’s ever heard of because they aren’t being plastered all over news channels every time they blink or do something cute.
“I knocked the lipstick right off of Booker’s smug face.”
Joe Biden, who served as Barack Obama’s sleeping aid for eight years, first received tough guy status when he told Donald Trump back in 2016 that if he were in high school he’d “take the president behind the gym and brush the hair out of him.”
