KENYA, AFRICA– A hospital in Kenya has announced that they are holding a contest open to the public for anyone looking to play surgeon for a day, allowing wannabe surgeons to display their skills on willing patients who have agreed to be operated on by laypeople.
Representatives from the Guru Nanak Hospital state that allowing people who haven’t attended medical school to operate on someone is a great learning experience and also a starting point for people looking to become future surgeons by attending Kenya’s strict medical college, where students must take almost two years worth of courses to become full-fledged surgeons.
“We like to connect our peoples together,” said 44 year old Amimbola Ubon, head administrator at the hospital. “What better ways than to have our peoples connect than at the most intimate of times. This is how I got my feets wet in the medical world. When I was a five years old boy, I performed a heart transplant on my mother. After the new heart my mother used to says to me that she loved me with all her heart.”
This isn’t the first time the Guru Nanak Hospital has had a contest open to the public. In fact, every year they hold contests for various areas of medical work, such as last year’s contest where a local chimpanzee named Koko Bongo won the chance to transplant a lion’s head onto the body of a 33 year old man named Toto who suffered from dandruff.
Koko Bongo said in sign language that he is currently enrolled in a local chiropractor school and will move to the United States when he is finished where he intends to practice on Americans.
Applications for the contest are underway and Ubon states that they’ve already received over five million people applying for the chance to operate on a lucky patient at the hospital. Although there’s no word on who this year’s winner is, sources say that it may be a senile 95 year old blind man with no arms who will be transplanting a Nile crocodile’s brain into an 8 year old comatose girl with scoliosis.
“We have the strictest of laws here in Kenya,” Ubon said as he opened up a law book. “Right here on page 69 it says that as long as the contest is done on a day not to exceed 189 degrees and the patient is wearing less than fifty flies on his body than everything is legal.”
Africa has been a hotbed lately for scientific work. Just last week, a scientist named Dennis Stooley finished training an elephant to utilize a human toilet to defecate and urinate into. The scientist says he’s looking for unpaid interns who would like to get free science experience by cleaning the toilets after the elephant finishes his business.
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