Dear Trump

Dear Trump: I want to lose my virginity before next music tour:

DEAR TRUMP: Hey, sir, I don’t know how to say this, but I have a real problem. No, not with my looks. I’m probably the handsomest dude who’s ever faux dated this unknown actress babe named Selena Gomez. I’m a sorta famous dude myself who makes a lot of money giving people high quality entertainment. Even though I’m a Canadian, I’m really liked by everyone. Which’s why I don’t understand why I’m having such a problem with getting girls. I really need your advice, Dear Trump.

Every day I’m surrounded by hot babes. White babes, black babes, Asian babes, and even my publicist who’s this hot Indian babe from China. Man she really makes my weiner sizzle. Anyway, sir, every one of these babes totally be hatin’ on me whenever we’re alone. I mean, they completely act like I’m invisible. No really, literally. A few of the babes actually walked right through me, Dear Trump. I don’t know if it’s me or if these babes are just playing hard to get.

Please tell me what to do. Should I put on more makeup to get noticed, or photoshop my weiner a little larger for magazine covers, or maybe throw myself off a five story building when a hot babe’s walking by and pray that she steps over me so I can stare up her dress? Please help! — BABY BABY OH NOT JUSTIN

DEAR BABY BABY OH NOT JUSTIN: Thanks for taking the time to bore me with this incessant blathering. One time, while I was in a boardroom meeting with all the world’s top businessmen, I stripped down to my underwear and strangled a Japanese prostitute with my bare hands. You should’ve seen the looks on those weak men’s faces when I made love to that woman in front of them for the next twenty minutes with my very large fingers.

The point of my award-winning story, kid, is that I’ve never been in your situation, not even once. When I first popped out of my mother’s womb I was already making love to one of the Filipina nurses who made the mistake of spanking me too hard. It was right then that I knew that I would be the most successful man in history.

My advice to you is to read my new book How To Pick Up the Ladies By Wearing A Dear Trump Mask which hits store shelves by summer. In it, you’ll read about the time I saw this geeky kid jump off a five story building and land on his ugly face and how the hot girl that stepped over him ended up coming back with me to my limo. As I always say, wrap it tight or spend the night. DEAR TRUMP

BIO: Businessman, reality star, male model, purveyor of every woman’s masturbatory fantasies. Every week millions of adoring fans write in asking Dear Trump for his advice on a wide range of topics, such as business, politics, religion, relationships, and whatever else the businessman is willing to answer. We post these letters with permission from alternate reality Trump in his own corner of the universe: Dear Trump.