SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA– A 39 year old man tried poisoning his entire family yesterday in protest of their support for presidential candidate Donald Trump. Sources close to the family state that the man suddenly snapped after Ted Cruz and John Kasich dropped out of the presidential race, leaving Trump as the front-runner to become president.
According to the San Francisco Lite newspaper, Peach Pit restaurant worker Brandon Walsh slipped rat poison into his wife and underage children’s alcoholic beverages after having several arguments with them over their support for Donald Trump. Walsh, a self-proclaimed Clinton enforcer, was arrested three times over the last two months for blocking roadways and kicking his children out of moving cars in protest of Mr. Trump.
“Trump’s nothing but a big brute,” said Walsh to news reporters from a jail cell awaiting trial for his repeated protests.
“I was just trying to send the world a message that Trump’s the wrong guy for the job,” he said, showing off a Clinton tattoo on his forearm. “I constantly tried explaining that to my 5 year old kids, but they kept telling me that Trump’s gonna make America great again, Dad. Well, maybe now people’ll see that I was right.”
Walsh has been charged with repeated disorderly protesting and for using Clinton’s image without her permission. Surprisingly, Hillary Clinton not Trump is pressing charges against an incompetent Walsh.
During a rally in Dearborn, Michigan, Hillary Clinton was asked about her thoughts on the man who tried poisoning his family to help Clinton win the presidential race.
“I just want everyone to know,” she started to say, “that this unfortunate incident proves just how much I support Israel and hopefully the transgender community will be treated as equals now.”
When asked if people would assume that his actions were similar to ISIS, Walsh wanted to make it perfectly clear that he is not a member of any terrorist groups.
“This has nothing to do with the black mask, guns, and bombs in my home,” he said emphatically to the cameras. “I was just bored when I started searching through terrorist websites and getting involved in their causes. My frequent trips to Iraq and Afghanistan have nothing to do with my protests, or the fact that I tried murdering my family.”
After searching through Walsh’s home computer, investigators found numerous tweets on his Twitter account that have raised a few red flags regarding Walsh’s denial of being a member of ISIS.
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