LONDON, UK — Facing mounting pressure from citizens over a relentless wave of violent attacks across the country, UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer has announced a sweeping, “tough-on-crime” initiative by strictly limiting all migrants and asylum seekers to a maximum of three stabbings per week.
Under the new government guidelines, immigrants caught attempting a fourth stabbing within a seven-day period will face severe consequences, including a sternly worded text message and mandatory enrollment in a two-hour conflict resolution webinar.
“We have heard the British public’s concerns loud and clear, and we are taking decisive action,” Prime Minister Keir Starmer announced from behind a reinforced, stab-proof podium outside 10 Downing Street. “While we must remain an open, tolerant society that celebrates the diverse ways people resolve their personal disputes, we must also set reasonable boundaries. Three stabbings a week strikes that perfect, sensible balance.”
The Metropolitan Police have warned the native British public not to exploit the new system by intentionally walking in front of a migrant who has already reached his stabbing quota in an attempt to get him deported, which will be prosecuted as a Class-A hate crime.
At publishing time, Parliament was already debating a loophole in the law that would allow migrants to roll over their unused stabbings into the next month.
