SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — Amid mounting national scrutiny and widespread public exhaustion, the California Secretary of State’s office announced Thursday that the state is on track to have the official, finalized results of the current election wrapped up just in time for the 2028 presidential election cycle.
The announcement comes as election workers enter their second consecutive week of staring intensely at the same stack of envelopes, a pace officials describe as “brisk and hyper-deliberate.”
“We understand that voters are anxious to know who won the 2026 elections,” said Secretary of State Shirley Weber, adjusting a massive calendar that had the year 2026 crossed out in thick red marker. “But true, equitable democracy cannot be rushed, By streamlining our tabulation process, we are proud to guarantee a seamless transition where the final 2026 mail-in ballot from Skid Row will be scanned precisely twenty minutes before you receive your 2028 mail-in ballot in the box.”
Governor Gavin Newsom defended the timeline from his vacation home in Cabo, arguing that knowing who won an election during the same calendar year it occurred is a dangerous right-wing trope.
“Why should election night only last one night?” asked Newsom. “By ensuring that the count never truly ends, we eliminate that awkward downtime between election cycles where politicians have to actually govern.”
At publishing time, election officials warned that the timeline could be slightly delayed if they discover another warehouse full of uncounted ballots, which they fully expect to do by next Tuesday.
