ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA — In a fiery and deeply emotional press conference on Wednesday, Governor Tim Walz fiercely condemned the FBI, DHS, and ICE for their coordinated raids on dozens of fraudulent Somali daycare centers across the Twin Cities, demanding to know what the federal government plans to do with the tens of thousands of entirely fictional children now left without childcare.
“This is a dark day for Minnesota’s phantom youth,” a visibly emotional Tim Walz told reporters, holding up a completely blank sheet of paper that he claimed contained the names of at-risk toddlers. “By stripping these entirely fictitious facilities of their licensing and federal funding, the government has callously ripped away a vital support system for children who have never been born, do not appear on any census, and literally lack physical form. Where are these made-up kids supposed to go while their imaginary parents are working their imaginary jobs?”
Despite the lack of evidence of actual children, Walz warned that shutting down the operations would create a childcare crisis of unprecedented invisibility.
“Just because a child is a statistical anomaly fabricated entirely for the purpose of defrauding the state government doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a safe, nurturing environment,” Walz continued, pounding his fist on the podium. “These fake kids depend on us. You may not see them. You may not find records of them. But that doesn’t mean we abandon them in their hour of invisibility.”
To mitigate the crisis, the Governor announced an emergency executive order allocating an additional $50 million to set up “Sanctuary Servers” for the displaced ghost children. The contract to build the servers has reportedly already been awarded to a newly formed LLC registered to a P.O. Box in Mogadishu, Somalia.
