ATLANTA, GEORGIA —Following the official permanent grounding of Spirit Airlines last week, former gate agent Jerome Higgins reported that he has successfully transitioned to the graveyard shift at a local Waffle House, citing a desperate need to replace the adrenaline rush of daily, unhinged customer brawls.
According to Higgins, the skill sets required for both positions are nearly identical, noting that the muscle memory developed from working at Spirit Airlines translated seamlessly to fighting off a typical Waffle House customer.
“I tried interviewing for a normal customer service job at a bank, but the silence was deafening,” Higgins told reporters while casually putting on a bulletproof vest before starting his shift. “Nobody was throwing objects at me, screaming, or being put in a headlock by a TSA agent. I felt completely empty inside. Waffle House is the only employer in the country that offers the exact same high-stakes, hand-to-hand combat work environment I’m used to.”
Waffle House regional manager Todd Clemson praised the recent influx of aviation workers, noting that former Spirit Airlines employees are already highly trained in hand-to-hand combat.
At press time, Higgins was reportedly feeling a deep, nostalgic peace as two customers ripped off their weaves and began aggressively wrestling in what eventually turned into a 13-person brawl.
