SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — Governor Gavin Newsom’s choreographed photo opportunity at a California construction site was reportedly ruined after his attempt to project a rugged, working-class image was completely undermined by what multiple witnesses described as an “extremely gay” power tool stance.
According to construction workers present, Newsom arrived wearing designer jeans, a carefully distressed button-down shirt, and what appeared to be brand-new work boots. He then spent the next several minutes bent over a circular saw with his back arched dramatically and his buttocks thrust outward in what one veteran foreman called “the most bottom position I’ve ever seen on a job site.”
“I’ve worked in construction for thirty years, and I’ve never seen a man approach a two-by-four with that level of submissiveness,” said the site foreman. “He was arching his back like he was waiting for a guy to come up from behind him. It was the gayest thing I’ve ever seen done to a power tool.”
When asked about the controversial photos, Newsom reportedly replied that he thought he looked very tough and very blue-collar, before asking an aide if the saw made his butt look big.
At press time, a desperate Gavin Newsom was reportedly scrambling to salvage his masculinity with an emergency “ultra-masculine” photo op of himself chopping wood wearing skin-tight designer jeans, arching his back, and giving the tree bedroom eyes while gently caressing a large axe.
