WASHINGTON—Expressing feigned shock that a fellow member of the ruling class would engage in illicit behavior, top Democrats announced this week that longtime colleague and current California gubernatorial candidate Rep. Eric Swalwell has allegedly committed numerous serious crimes and sexually assaulted countless women, according to people who themselves have been accused of numerous serious crimes.
Standing behind a podium with Senator Adam Schiff flanked by American flags and giving forced expressions of disappointment, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi read from a prepared statement.
“We are deeply troubled by these allegations against Mr. Swalwell,” said Pelosi, pausing briefly to execute some insider trading over the phone. “We simply cannot tolerate this kind of behavior in our party. We call for Eric to step down, as his recent string of highly publicized felonies does not align with our party’s core values of committing felonies quietly.”
When asked why the Democrat party waited until Swalwell became a liability in the governor’s race to discover these “credible allegations,” Pelosi explained that Democrats have very high standards and only turn on each other when it’s electorally convenient.
At press time, Democratic leaders were reportedly scrambling to get rid of Swalwell because there are already too many Democrat candidates splitting the vote, while quietly acknowledging that such a person who has never been accused of anything worse than routine corruption and the occasional light treason may not exist.
