WASHINGTON — In a stunning escalation of his long-running feud with the media, Donald Trump announced Thursday that he had authorized precision airstrikes on the headquarters of CNN, citing credible intelligence that the network was “very close, weeks, maybe days” from developing nuclear weapons.
Speaking from the Oval Office as footage of B-2 Spirit stealth bombers deploying bunker-busters over the CNN Center played on a loop behind him, the President declared the mission a “tremendous, glowing success” that saved America from imminent destruction.
“Fake News CNN was enriching uranium in the basement, folks” Trump said. “We had no choice. They were enriching something. Nobody knew what it was, but it looked very bad. Very dangerous. Probably uranium, possibly coffee, but we couldn’t take that risk. You thought CNN’s Situation Room was just a television set? Wrong. Total lie. It was a subterranean uranium enrichment facility.”
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt defended the strike, saying, “The president has been very clear: we will not allow rogue actors to develop weapons of mass destruction. Whether it’s Iran or CNN, the policy is the same.”
At press time, the president was reportedly reviewing targeting packages for MSNBC, The New York Times, and Tucker Carlson’s home.
