BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA– Fresh off last night’s Golden Globes ceremony, Hollywood’s most vocal Trump critics gathered for their other long-running awards tradition by holding their 10th Annual “I’m Moving to Canada If Trump Becomes President” Gala, an event honoring the brave, time-tested art of threatening to leave America every year since 2016 while remaining firmly planted in multimillion-dollar U.S. real estate.
Held in the same ballroom where celebrities had just spent the evening applauding one another, giving their usual self-congratulatory speeches, and virtue-signaling, the gala featured renewed vows from Hollywood’s oppressed multimillionaires to flee the United States and travel north to Canada any day now.
“I’m literally packing my bags as we speak,” said Mark Ruffalo, only days after closing on a new home in California. “I’ve already had my assistant’s assistant look at a brochure for a luxury condo in Toronto. I haven’t actually bought it yet, but trust me, before you know it I’ll be a Canadian citizen. Anything’s better than living under this Trump dictatorship.”
The evening also included a special appearance by Canadian-born actor Mike Myers, who promised as soon as he’s finished his next high-paying American film project, he’ll definitely, probably, possibly, maybe consider looking at a map of Ontario again.
Several celebrities later confirmed that should Vice President JD Vance ever become president, they will immediately update their talking points and continue the time-honored ritual of threatening to move to Canada, citing it as the final straw.
