WASHINGTON– Following the U.S. arrest of former Venezuelan leader Nicolás Maduro, President Donald Trump announced that Secretary of State Marco Rubio has been appointed Interim President of Venezuela, effective immediately, in addition to the sixty-nine other positions Marco is currently overseeing.
“I looked at the list of candidates, and honestly, none of them have Marco’s energy,” Trump told reporters inside of the Oval Office, with Rubio dressed in a Venezuelan uniform standing behind him. “Marco is fantastic. He’s already doing the State Department, he’s doing the National Security thing, he’s running the Archives, which is a mess, by the way, very dusty, he’s overseeing ten other departments after I fired the directors, and now he’s going to run Venezuela. Just until we find a guy. Maybe two weeks. Maybe four years. We’ll see.”
Trump went on to say that Marco Rubio will also be in charge of the Department of Agriculture, the NASA budget, will assist in Homeland Security, given ICE detail, and will stand in for the president whenever he needs a body double.
“We’re also considering removing the leaders of Cuba, Columbia, and Brazil for security reasons,” Trump added as Rubio trembled. “And we don’t want to rush into finding new leaders until we find the right ones. Until then, we’ll probably have Marco run those countries in the meantime.”
In an effort to help manage the immense workload, the White House has also appointed Rubio as his own deputy, aide, secretary, and housekeeper.
