U.S.– Only hours after President Donald Trump announced a new deal to welcome 600,000 Chinese nationals to study at U.S. universities, hundreds of Chinese spy balloons were spotted hovering over the United States suddenly releasing 600,000 “students” in parachutes over major American cities. The incident has caused widespread criticism from his base, saying that the move undermines his “America First” agenda.
Eyewitnesses described the scene as “surreal” as hundreds of thousands of Chinese nationals, all wearing matching “I ♥ China” t-shirts and clutching briefcases labeled “Intellectual Property Acquisition Team,” descended upon cities like New York, Los Angeles, and Silicon Valley.
“It was like a human rain of espionage,” said one stunned onlooker in San Francisco. “They just kept coming, smiling and waving, while simultaneously hacking into every Wi-Fi network within a 5-mile radius.”
The Chinese government has confirmed that the parachutists are indeed the same “students” Trump agreed to let into the country, but insisted they are merely “exchange scholars” here to “learn from America’s greatness.” However, multiple parachutists were seen immediately setting up makeshift biolabs in college bathrooms, while others were observed attempting to bribe local politicians with offers of sex in exchange for trade secrets.
Many supporters were reportedly outraged at the betrayal, meanwhile Trump has promised that the deal was “tremendous and would create so many jobs,” with at least 10,000 new positions in counterintelligence to deal with all the spying.
The FBI has issued a statement urging Americans not to panic, but to immediately change all passwords, burn their laptops, and to be weary of any beautiful Chinese women that suddenly take an interest in you.
In related news, California Democrat Eric Swalwell has enrolled in a local college and has reportedly become engaged to at least one hundred different Chinese women.
