MUMBAI, INDIA – Speaking to British reporters atop a mountain of rotting garbage, local resident Rohan Kumar clarified that the tattered, brown-stained medical mask he’s worn for the past three weeks is definitely for the city’s notorious air pollution and not the waist-deep river of human feces and trash he waded through to get there.
“I see the confusion,” Kumar said, adjusting his mask which was held together by what appeared to be dried nasal mucus. “But let me assure you, I’m a responsible citizen. The particulate matter from our beloved factories is what I’m protecting myself from, not the 400 pounds of uncollected poo-poo currently fermenting in my neighborhood.”
Kumar gestured to the nearby slum, where children played barefoot in puddles of raw sewage, coughing and spitting up blood. “Look at how happy the children are playing in that trash pile. There are so many wonderful things for the young ones to enjoy. Our ancestors lived like this for centuries and we are perfectly fine. This mask is for the invisible pollutants.”
When asked why the children suddenly dropped to the ground and appeared to stop breathing, Kumar explained, “Oh, that? That’s nothing. It happens all the time. It’s perfectly normal. Can I interest you sirs in some handmade fried kebabs?”
The press conference ended abruptly when a stray cow wandered into the room and began pooping on Kumar’s shoes, prompting the man to rub it all over his face to protect him from the dangers of the air pollution.
