WASHINGTON– Jubilant Republicans filled the halls of Congress this morning, popping sparkling champagne and shouting “Mission Accomplished!” after Democrats trounced them in yesterday’s elections across New Jersey, Virginia, New York, Mississippi, Pennsylvania, and Georgia.
“This is exactly the outcome we were hoping for,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson, beaming with enthusiasm. “Frankly, we’ve gotten quite good at losing. It’s the only consistent part of our platform. We know exactly what our conservative constituents want, and by golly we’re going to do everything in our power not to do it.”
Across the Capitol, both Senate and House Republicans held an impromptu celebration, congratulating one another on “sticking to the plan” of doing everything they can not to win, bragging about how many vacation days they’ve taken this year alone and not codifying any of President Donald Trump’s executive orders.
The Republican National Committee also praised the losses, calling them “a strategic masterpiece in sustained minority status in an effort to simply fundraise while promising to get the Democrats the next time.” The RNC Chair also announced the launch of a new fundraising campaign titled “Help Us Lose Again in 2026.”
House Speaker Mike Johnson later confirmed that the GOP would be doubling down on its 2025 playbook for the 2026 midterms.
“Why change a losing strategy that’s working perfectly?” he asked rhetorically. “We plan to focus entirely on issuing strongly worded letters and useless investigations that end up going nowhere.”
Republicans insist that their new “Losing Forward” strategy is rooted in solid political science, claiming voters like the authenticity of Republicans doing what they do best, by just complaining about Democrats while fundraising off of it and when in power do absolutely nothing.
