SPRINGFIELD, OHIO– A new John Wick movie will be released early next year starring actor Keanu Reeves, with the story revolving around the assassin coming out of retirement to seek revenge after a group of illegal Haitians eat his new dog.
The latest chapter in the John Wick saga is titled John Wick 5: Haiti and follows the main character around as he hunts down the Haitians who ate both his pet dog and the pets of numerous other residents in the area.
The story takes place in the quiet little town of Springfield, Ohio, where the lead character Wick settled down to live a quiet life with his new pet dog before a group of illegal aliens from Haiti brought in by the current president stole his dog and then ate it and used its bones for black magic rituals.
“Never eat a man’s dog,” said Wick in one brutal scene where he calls a group of Haitians a couple bad names. “That wasn’t just a dog. It was my dog. It was a dog that had hair and a tail. And you ate it. And now I’m going to eat you.”
After John Wick finished disposing of the violent, pet-eating Haitians, news media outlets were quick to label Wick as a right-wing racist bigot and a corrupt District Attorney from New York quickly filed charges against him for failing to report some of his assassin earnings on last year’s tax return.
