CHICAGO, ILLINOIS– News outlets were originally reporting that there was a beautiful, impressive Fourth of July fireworks display in Chicago over the weekend, only to find out later that it was just the city’s violent, gang member residents who shot over one hundred people with almost twenty getting killed.
Media outlets had thought that perhaps the Democrat-run city’s citizens had actually come together and enjoyed a nonviolent holiday for the first time, being that over one hundred people being shot seemed a little excessive even for Chicago.
“We would like to make a very small retraction,” said a local Chicago ABC news station affiliate on Monday. “In our error, we had originally reported that an extremely large fireworks display had taken place in Chicago when in fact it was simply the usual gang violence and drama but on a much larger scale than usual. We apologize for misleading anyone into thinking that Chicago would go even one day without someone getting murdered.”
Chicago Mayor Bandon Johnson gave a press conference after the horrifically brutal weekend and said that all the shootings and deaths by the town’s black gang members were due to homophobic, transphobic, white supremacist, Trump supporters like the late 1880s President James A. Garfield.
“All these unnecessary black deaths are the fault of former President James A. Garfield,” said Mayor Johnson with a straight face. “These poor black folks would still be alive if it weren’t for the bigoted, Trump-supporting President Garfield. I mean, c’mon. How can you trust a man named after a lasagna-eating cat?”
When asked why he has done such a terrible job as Chicago mayor, Johnson blamed former Emperor of France Napoleon Bonaparte and the way he used to overcook his French toast and French fries.
