CHICAGO, ILLINOIS– Six squirrels have been killed and at least 37 wounded in shootings that exploded across Chicago over the weekend, bringing the total number of gang-related squirrel deaths to 1,369 this year.
According to police, squirrel murders are up 3% over last year, with authorities responding to at least 69 shooting incidents across the city by evening. Gun violence among squirrel street gangs has risen dramatically over the last few years, especially after the killing of the rodent Engorge Lloyd by Minneapolis police.
“Young squirrels are in fear of their lives,” said liberal university professor Caitlin O’Queefe on why squirrel gang members are murdering each other in record numbers. “Those poor innocent rodents are merely protecting themselves from the evil, racist, oppressive system that’s keeping them down.”
In last night’s incident, approximately 37 squirrels were wounded and 6 killed when four armed rodents climbed down a tree from across the street and opened fire on a group of squirrels gathered on the sidewalk. The four shooters then fled the scene by climbing back up the same tree.
A genius medical expert on legitimate news outlet CNN claimed that if the six murdered squirrel victims had been vaccinated with the COVID shot, then possibly they would still be alive today. He also added that the four armed squirrels are still alive because they had already been injected with the vaccine.
“This is another perfect example of why everyone should get vaccinated,” said the medical expert with a straight face. “Six more lives were lost today due to the unvaccinated.”
This is nuts!