Con Air 2: Southwest Airlines Hires Escaped Convicts To Fly Planes After Pilots Quit In Protest

DALLAS, TEXAS– Southwest Airlines recently announced that they have hired hundreds of escaped convicts to replace all the trained pilots who quit en masse in protest of the company’s vaccine mandate.

The CEO of Southwest Barry Smelly made the brilliant announcement this morning from behind a wall of armed guards to protect him from all the deranged prisoners he had just hired to work inside of the planes and airport.

“It gives me great pleasure to announce that we have filled all the positions lost due to our former insubordinate employees leaving,” said Smelly as his new inmate workers lit one of the planes on fire. “Maybe our former snowflake pilots would still have a job if they would’ve just let us inject them with our safe vaccine that may or may-have-sort-of-kind-of killed thousands of people. Do as I say, not as I do.”

Even though every one of the newly hired convicts has no flying experience, says CEO Smelly, what they lack in skills they make up for in aggression, bench press PRs, shank making, and being able to rape other inmates whenever they get out of line.

“It’s a win-win for both Southwest and the airline passengers of America,” Smelly added nervously while one of the cons traded Smelly’s buttocks for a pack of cigarettes.