HAMPTON, NEW HAMPSHIRE– After receiving major backlash around the country for allowing men into women’s locker rooms, workout chain giant Planet Fitness doubled down on their progressive policies and have updated their name to Planet Sickness to better reflect their core company values.
Planet Fitness has made headlines this week once again for banning a woman from their chain for complaining about a big, burly man who was caught straddling the women’s bathroom sink while shaving his hairy testicles.
“We here at Planet Fitness have no tolerance for hate of any kind,” said spokesperson Jazmyn DeLuscious for the gym company. “Allowing men into women’s restrooms goes together just as much as peanut butter and mayonnaise on a sandwich, or like Batman and Marge Simpson, or even like when we wear shoes on our hands. It just makes perfect sense.”
The spokesperson DeLuscious went on to say that they are constantly progressing as a fitness company and plans on making other much-needed changes, including removing all of their gym equipment from every location and then banning people from working out.
“Working out and getting into shape is toxic white supremacy,” said DeLuscious with a straight face. “After banning all gym equipment starting this year, we will be overhauling our member requirements by refusing to allow white people to join our exclusive club.”
When asked if banning whites would include homosexuals and transgenders, DeLuscious shouted “bigot” right before he finished shaving his scrotum inside of the women’s locker room.
