HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA– A shy snake has made the news this week after it was a guest on the popular Dr. Phil show, explaining to the world its inability to shed its skin in front of other snakes due to the snake’s extremely timid personality.
After the snake slithered onto the stage and took a seat, Dr. Phil wasted no time using his keen intellect to try and understand why the reptile refuses to shed its skin in front of other snakes.
“Now, Mr. Snake, I just gotta come right out and tell you this is not my first rodeo,” said Dr. Phil before the trained audience clapped on command. “We’re gonna get down to the heart of the matter of why you’re having problems performing in the bedroom. I think it’s about darn time you came out of the closet, Mr. Snake, and be proud of your homosexuality.”
The confused snake then told Dr. Phil that it was in fact a heterosexual reptile and that it was there to receive help to overcome its shyness around other snakes, quickly saying there was nothing wrong with being a gay snake after getting booed by the audience.
“So how’s that working for you?” An incensed Dr. Phil asked when the snake refused to admit that it was homosexual. “Now, I’m just gonna call a spade a shovel here. The reason you’re having trouble molting in front of others is because deep down inside you’re a transgender woman attracted to men. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”
The snake was persistent that it wasn’t gay, but Dr. Phil was even more persistent, using his extensive medical knowledge to kiss the snake on the lips in an effort to finally bring the shy snake out of the proverbial closet.
“So, Mr. Snake, how would you rate my male-on-male kiss?” Asked Dr. Phil as the audience sighed at what a cute couple the two of them made. “Mr. Snake, I think we made a breakthrough here today. I’m sure your whole family’s proud that you were finally able to admit that you are a gay man living inside of a snake who is attracted to bald men with hairy mustaches.”
After the show, Dr. Phil asked for the snake’s phone number and told the reptile to stop by his hotel room later to have a more intimate doctor-patient discussion over drinks and a candlelight dinner.
