WASHINGTON– United States Senators were recently offered free satellite phones for emergency communications, which confused the oldest members of Congress whom had no idea what the new technology was, let alone how to use it, and asked their younger colleagues for help.
“What in darn tootin’ is this new-fangled thingy?” Asked 81-year-old Senator Bernie Sanders after he was handed one of the satellite phones. “Back in my day, I used to walk 500 miles to go chew the fat with someone. Fiddle-sticks, I must be an old fuddy-duddy because this stuff’s for the birds.”
One of the younger senators, 41-year-old Josh Hawley, tried explaining to his 89-year-old colleague Chuck Grassley how to use the phone’s camera to take nude photos to send to him later.
“Aw, shucks, I haven’t got the foggiest idea,” said Grassley while Hawley took all his clothes off to better explain how to use the camera. “Dagnabbit and golly gee, this horse-puckey hanky-panky is making me plum-tuckered and I’m going to scadaddle, you young whippersnapper.”
After getting all tuckered out from trying to figure out how to use their new phones, the older senators went back to their chambers to take a few rounds of Metamucil and a quick two hour nap.
