WASHINGTON– During a speech where he informed the world that he has cancer, COVID, hemorrhoids, leprosy, and sore nipples, President Joe Biden told the enthralled crowd about the time he overcame the deadly and contagious bubonic plague back in the 14th century.
While wearing a plague doctor bird mask, Biden recounted how he was one of the only people in the world to survive the Black Death pandemic and was left to repopulate the earth with every young female he could sniff out of hiding.
“It was tough having sores all over my tender, young breasts,” said Biden, referring to his Black Death symptoms. “I looked that Black Death dead in the eye and said ‘I’ve taken down bigger tough guys than you, Jack.’ After I got a sniff of his fear I took him around back and roughed him up a little.”
Biden says the end of the 14th century bubonic plague came after he kicked the bacteria’s ass and then punished it further by forcing it to spend a wild weekend with his son Hunter smoking boatloads of crack and banging dozens of Chinese prostitutes.
White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre later added that not only did Biden defeat the Black Death, but he also slayed numerous dragons, was the first man in outer space, impregnated millions of beautiful women, and won the 2020 Presidential election without cheating.
