SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA– Immediately after Elon Musk fired a bunch of useless human workers and then hired chimpanzees in their place, the new Twitter owner said that the social media site has already improved, with the primates getting more useful work done in much less time and at a fraction of the cost.
While showing a news crew around the busy Twitter headquarters, Elon said that it only took twenty chimpanzees to replace the thousands of incompetent, censor-happy humans who had previously worked there.
“Our new chimps spend all their time working on ways to improve my company,” said Elon as he gave reporters an up close look at the effectiveness of the chimps. “With these highly skilled chimps, Twitter will save millions of dollars, being that they all get paid in only a weekly allotment of bananas.”
According to Elon, all of the chimps now employed at Twitter were formally test subjects at his Neuralink company.
“Every one of these chimps is more advanced than all the former human Twitter employees that I kicked to the curb,” said Elon while one of the chimps split an atom as it unbanned users. “The primates have an IQ over 200 and can work two laptops at the same time by also using their feet. Plus, did I mention I’m going to be saving tons of money?”
The billionaire businessman said there is a bright side for all the fired Twitter employees.
“I’m not a bad guy, I wouldn’t just kick all those former employees out on the street. Every terminated Twitter employee has now been hired at Neuralink as test subjects to replace all the chimps. Right now I have Parag Agrawal strapped to a chair getting a chip implanted into his head. For the first time in his life, Parag can now wash his hands after wiping his ass instead of before.”
