SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA– A prejudiced man was arrested by federal authorities Friday and charged with a hate crime after numerous witnesses saw the man drowning a totally innocent cup of black coffee with an inordinate amount of thick, cold white cream.
The 34-year-old white male aggressor was dining inside a restaurant when the hate-fueled incident occurred, having no remorse as he doused the black coffee with almost half of a cup of pure white cream.
Witnesses say the white man began berating the black coffee as soon as the waitress brought it over to his table, telling the warm, refreshing dark liquid that he was about to drop his white cream into it before making the coffee disappear into his stomach.
“I was scared for my life,” said one of the witnesses in reference to the racially-motivated hate crime. “The crazy man drowned that poor cup of black coffee right in front of everyone. We were shocked. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be the man’s next victim, being that my great-great-great-great-great grandfather was two percent black.”
California Governor Gavin Newsom put out a statement regarding the racist incident, praising local and federal law enforcement for removing another dangerous bigot from off the streets and said he will be signing an executive order later today making it illegal to use white cream and has already awarded the black coffee’s family $69 million in damages.
The arrested man is facing up to 900 years in prison, a $700 billion fine, and has been ordered to stay at least 50 yards away from all dark beverages, including coffee, soda, and tea.
