NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK– New York City has hit a milestone this week after going a full two minutes without a crime being committed, causing Mayor Eric Adams to go on national television to celebrate the historic moment.
According to the mayor, statistics show that crime in NYC is coming down and Adams claims the reduction is due to his stellar job as the city’s first black vegan mayor with ten toes who was preceded by Bill de Blasio.
“I’m proud to announce New York City has officially gone two minutes without a violent crime,” said Mayor Adams as a man behind him was stabbed in the neck. “We beat our previous crime-free record by a whole twenty seconds. I’d like to thank the men and women in law enforcement for their dedication to calling our citizens by their proper pronouns.”
Mayor Adams said that he’s only counting murders in these new crime statistics, not adding in all the city’s robberies, rapes, muggings, looting, arson, and refusals to commit sodomy in public.
A few New York Republican politicians immediately jumped on their Twitter accounts to tweet out a few sternly written tweets, saying that even though NYC going a full two minutes without a crime would be awesome news, it’s technically not true.
“What Mayor Adams is failing to tell people is that these are only reported crimes,” said Elise Stefanik, Congresswoman for New York. “This is what happens when Democrats are in control. If people vote Republican in the next election, the GOP promises we’ll get that crime-free rate up by a whole three and a half minutes.”
