WASHINGTON– In a unanimous bipartisan decision, Congress passed a bill that will help struggling US citizens by sending one hundred percent of all working American’s paychecks directly to Ukraine.
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) was ecstatic as he relayed the good news to the American people in a news conference Tuesday, saying that the $900 gazillion already sent to Ukraine wasn’t enough and more needed to be done.
“Good news, America, Congress has decided to send all your paychecks straight to Ukraine,” said Schumer with a twisted smile as his fellow Congressman cheered. “I know for a fact that this is exactly what American citizens want. I’m certain American families don’t mind starving to death so that me and my fellow politicians can buy another mansion after this money gets laundered back to us.”
The historic Ukraine bill is being praised by politicians around the country as well as the rich elite, being that their paychecks will not be affected.
“Hardworking Americans can feel good about themselves knowing they did the right thing,” said Senator Lindsey Graham, a Republican from South Carolina. “Americans will keep working three and four jobs and then one hundred percent of their paychecks will be deposited directly into President Zelensky’s offshore account, which he plans on using to take me out to dinner next week. Oh gee, I’m getting giddy just thinking about the good time we’re going to have.”
President Joe Biden reassured hesitant Americans who may be questioning the integrity of the Ukraine bill, saying that he guarantees this Ukraine economic package will help struggling Americans get out of debt, bring the US out of recession, and make pigs fly.
He also stated that, yes, Americans must still pay their taxes or face 900 years in prison.
