ATLANTA, GEORGIA– In an effort to improve sagging ratings, CNN has decided to use the same winning strategy as the Oscars did with Will Smith’s attack on Chris Rock by having random CNN employees slap Reliable Sources host Brian Stelter at the end of all his programs.
After being faced with possible cancellation due to only have three viewers per episode, CNN executives told rotund host Stelter that to improve his program he can either let his coworkers slap him across the face at the end of his show or get fired.
“Well, that’s it, folks, good night,” said Stelter at the end of today’s show as he readied his fat face for the planned slap. “Has anyone seen how heavy Don Lemon’s husband Tim has gotten lately? He sure could use a little Jenny Craig diet. Don’t you all agree?”
A giggling Don Lemon walked into the studio and then immediately pretended that he was angry at Stelter for insulting his partner.
“Keep my husband’s name out of your darn mouth, you vagabond,” said Lemon in faux rage while both men stared at the camera nervously. “I think I’m going to come over there and teach you a lesson, big guy.”
Even though Lemon barely touched his face, Stelter jumped back three feet and exaggerated the attack while cameras zoomed in to catch the host crying uncontrollably and screaming that Donald Trump was behind the violent altercation.
During his show Don Lemon Tonight later that evening, Lemon said Trump was responsible for him bitch-slapping Stelter and it also proves how systemic racism is still rampant in America and that if Stelter had only taken his ninth COVID booster shot then perhaps his face wouldn’t have stung so bad from the hit.
