WASHINGTON– The White House has issued an emergency statement saying that the Russians have hacked President Joe Biden’s colon causing him to crap his pants on multiple occasions, according to sources within United States intelligence agencies.
White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki gave the grim news during an urgent press conference Thursday morning, saying President Vladimir Putin has not only crossed the red line, but has turned it brown.
“Multiple sources within the Pentagon and CIA have confirmed that Russia has hacked President’s Biden’s digestive system,” said Psaki as she held up a photo of Biden’s soiled trousers. “Stimulating the colon of the American president from thousands of miles away is a direct declaration of war and we’ll be discussing the appropriate action with NATO later on today.”
US officials are speculating that Russia used some type of highly advanced sonic weapon that was able to travel thousands of miles and bypass Biden’s Depends diaper and then vibrate his colon to the point where the president was unable to control himself.
“We believe the Russians have been hacking President Biden’s colon since he became president,” said Psaki with a straight face. “We believe it was Vladimir Putin who caused President Biden to accidentally poop his pants while visiting the Pope in the Vatican last year.”
Leftwing news media outlets are calling for stricter sanctions on Russia for violating Biden’s bowels and destroying hundreds of pairs of his underwear. Numerous people on Twitter are putting poop emojis on their profiles in support of President Biden.
