WASHINGTON– The Biden Administration has informed US citizens that the best way to get back at Russia and teach them a lesson is to take everything away from the American people, saying that being homeless and going hungry will truly stick it to Vladimir Putin.
“It’s a small sacrifice to make to do the right thing,” said Jen Psaki, White House press secretary. “The only way we can take down Putin is to come together as a country and then take everything away from you.”
After raising gas prices to the highest levels in history to show Russia who’s boss, President Biden declared that exorbitant gas and food prices, empty grocery store shelves, and having children homeless will really hurt Putin where it counts.
“C’mon, man, there’s still bugs outside for you to eat,” said Biden, referring to American citizens not having any food to eat to spite Russia. “As your president I have been leading by example, which is why I recently cut down my monthly income from 10 million dollars to only 9.5 million dollars. This proves I’m a man of the people, Jack.”
Leftwing late night host Stephen Colbert told his audience that giving up all their vehicles, food, homes, and children is a small price to pay to have a clean conscience.
“If I have to pay a couple extra bucks to get my daily pedicure then so be it,” said Colbert as his audience of trained seals clapped at their own demise. “Sticking it to Russia is worth all your pain and suffering and watching your children die of starvation. At least you and your kids will die with dignity knowing Vladimir Putin won’t be able to purchase that fifth mansion.”
