EL PASO, TEXAS– Republicans have placed thousands of cardboard cutouts of Russian President Vladimir Putin along the southern US border in an effort to trick Joe Biden into believing it’s Ukraine so maybe he’ll actually send troops to defend it.
Numerous Republican politicians, including Ted Cruz and Marjorie Taylor Greene, went down to the Texas border and began placing the life-size Putin standees all along the gaps in the border wall in the hopes that Biden will think it’s a foreign country and actually take an interest in stopping the current invasion.
“Look, the Russians are attacking the Ukraine border,” said Cruz sarcastically for the cameras, pointing at the Putin cutouts. “Because President Biden cares more about the borders of foreign countries than our American border, Republicans were forced to get creative. Let’s just hope Biden is senile enough to fall for our tactic.”
Once they fell for the Republican’s cardboard cutout ploy, Biden’s intelligence sources informed the president that Russia has just invaded Ukraine and that his son Hunter’s oil company was in jeopardy, prompting Joe to send troops down to the Texas border.
“All hands on deck, it’s the Admiral,” said Biden after his ninth lobotomy. “I’ve just received word from my transgender generals that Russia has finally invaded Ukraine. You see, I told all you lying dog-faced pony soldiers that Putin was going to try to take over my son’s gas company. And if there’s one thing that I know about, it’s gas. And diarrhea too.”
After numerous cardboard Putin cutouts were blown over due to high Texas wind, the mainstream news media declared that Biden had defeated Russia and brought peace to the world, calling him the greatest president and military strategist of all time.
