WASHINGTON– Saving a life can be a very rewarding experience, so when Joe Biden was recently terminated from his part-time job as a suicide prevention hotline listener he was not only disappointed but also confused.
Biden took the crisis chat specialist job as a way to help desperate Americans who are struggling with depression due to the horrible economy that he himself has created.
“I’ve always been a good listener,” said Biden to reporters after ignoring their questions to watch a squirrel run up a tree. “It’s a damn shame that I was let go of this suicide job that I loved so much. And I had a one hundred percent success rate at getting people on the other end of the phone line to kill themselves.”
A spokesperson for the Kamikaze Mental Health Organization that employed the president said that Biden had the idea that people were calling into the Suicide Prevention Hotline because they didn’t want to live anymore and were asking for inspiration to end their lives.
“I tried giving people a message of hope by telling them they’re going to die,” said Biden disappointedly as annoyed reporters walked into traffic to get away from his incessant babbling. “We don’t have much time left on this earth, and by my calculations everyone will be dead before the end of this winter. The unvaccinated will be extra dead for refusing to take my totally safe vaccines.”
There’s also good news for environmentalists, said Biden. The vaccines are also biodegradable and eco-friendly, so when they kill you they will eventually break down and then return back to nature.
