ATLANTA, GEORGIA– Confused CNN star Chris Cuomo has gone on the offensive against all the recent allegations that he used his powerful network position to help out former Governor Andrew Cuomo, saying he doesn’t even have a brother named Andrew, only an older sister named Andrea.
“Let’s set the record straight, people, I don’t have an older brother named Andrew,” Chris Cuomo said during an early morning press conference with his “sister” Andrea by his side. “How can I do all these things I’m accused of when the only sibling I have is my older sister Andrea, who was kind enough to be here with me today to prove my innocence. Isn’t she gorgeous?”
The CNN anchor was suspended on Wednesday for allegedly helping his brother Andrew with his predator defense, but Chris immediately went on television to prove his innocence to the world by acting very perplexed while his beautiful, blonde sister Andrea made sensual lip gestures to the cameras.
“My name is Andrea Cuomo and my brother Chris is totally innocent of all charges,” said Andrea in an unnatural, high-pitched voice as she batted her long eyelashes and twirled her blonde wig. “We have no idea who this Andrew Cuomo person is the District Attorney is referring to. I promise I’m a girl and I can prove it if any one of you female reporters are interested.”
When asked by a Fox News reporter why Andrea is rather masculine looking and resembles the supposed brother Andrew, Chris attacked the racist journalist and accused him of being a misogynist, transphobic science denier.
Being that no one took him/her up on the offer and also now finding himself attractive, Andrea began fondling herself to see whether or not she really was Chris Cuomo’s sister and not actually Andrew Cuomo in drag.
UPDATE: After this article was written, it was reported that Andrea Cuomo immediately came forward and accused Andrew Cuomo of sexual assault, claiming he groped and fondled her/him against her/his will.
