WASHINGTON– Following the recent ruling in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial which found him not guilty, desperate and deranged Democrats have put forth a last ditch effort to take the young man down by making a voodoo doll with his likeness and jabbing several pins into it while chanting incessant black magic spells.
While standing within a pentagram circle in a local graveyard at night, several top Democrats, including Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and Chuck Schumer, stabbed the Rittenhouse doll repeatedly as they chanted spells and summoned demonic spirits, all in an effort to not let the kid go free.
“Abracadabra, alakazam, I name you, Rittenhouse, become this doll,” mumbled Pelosi in a guttural voice as she applied blood to the doll’s forehead. “I summon you, father Satan, to curse this boy who made us look like fools. And if it’s not too much to ask, I pray that the evil spirits will restock my almost empty wine cabinet.”
After he finished soiling his pants as part of the ritual, Biden shook the warm remnants down his leg and then jammed a long pin into the doll while trying to remember his spell, saying, “Oh, great Prince of Darkness, it is me, uh, Joe Biden’s husband, and I ask that you curse this boy, uh, what’s his name, oh yeah, Kenny Robinson, and to give me the chance to sniff his mother’s beautiful long hair.”
Due to every one of the spellbound leftist politicians being over a hundred years old, they decided to cut the ritual short after 169-year-old vampire Dianne Feinstein fell asleep while waiting for her turn to chant.
This probably really happened.