NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK– Microsoft co-founder and vaccine candy man Bill Gates has profusely apologized to a dead Bloomberg news reporter’s family after mistakenly shooting his poisonous venom into her eyes, causing the shocked woman to completely dissolve on camera.
The mishap happened when the female reporter pushed the microphone a little too close toward Gates’ face, causing the reptilian philanthropist’s natural defense mechanism to kick in and spit his toxic liquid at his human attacker.
“It looks like I made a little boo-boo,” said Gates with a tongue lick, referring to the woman he just unintentionally murdered on live television. “I’m sure this minor incident will give more fodder to all the Qanon conspiracy theorists who claim I’m a lizard person hell-bent on depopulating the earth.”
Gates went on to say that he promises to make amends with the reporter’s family by giving every one of them a year’s worth of free Gates venom vaccines, guaranteed to either stop COVID-19 dead in its tracks or cause you to completely liquefy from the inside out.
Fellow billionaire lizard people George Soros and Jeff Bezos came to Gates’ defense, saying it’s the reporter’s fault for getting too close to the reptilian software developer and thus Gates had every right to protect himself from the “useless eater” human.
I knew it.